GSF CEO Update: Christmas Comes Early

(Editor's Note: As usual, Alliance Updates are written for an internal audience, reproduced here. If by this point you still need a 'this, like every Alliance Update in history, is propaganda' disclaimer, I don't even know what to tell you.)

Credit: Kismeteer

We won! What, exactly?

Four months of grinding war. The gains to a line member were not obvious, save for the slow devastation of Tribute and Vale. What did we get? Before the invasion, Goonswarm had about ~60 tech moons. Afterwards, we're up to ~93, and that's after generously giving away gobs of the things to our deserving allies. Collectively, the CFC now controls ~305 tech moons. Our warmongering has also artificially inflated the price of Technetium despite it being nerfed, which means that while our income isn't as insane as pre-nerf, we're still collectively sitting pretty.

Perhaps more importantly, we have de-ghettoized our coalition. It is important to treat your allies well, and Goonswarm has always throughout its history relied on the 'best friend, worst enemy' policy in diplomacy. Taking Vale, which is a vast sweep of space compared to the relatively small Tribute, has allowed the coalition to take allies who were jammed into cramped, somewhat ugly quarters and give them the lebensraum they deserve.

Similarly, the campaign has given us four months of testing and adversity. We have learned who among us are reliable in a pinch, who quails at the prospect of a long war, who is a dodgy dramawhore, and militarily we've worked to develop Arsehole Squad to cover our AU TZ and reformed our laughably outdated doctrines.

So: a shitload of space, a shitload of moons, better allies, better fleets, and cash.

Christmas in Squadland

A four-month sov war is one of the longest grinds in post-Dominion history. Yet peace sucks; Eve is a hideously boring game if someone isn't getting their face smashed in. To celebrate our victory and to make peacetime less boring, I'm going to give 10b isk to each 'combat squad' (Topgoon, Arsehole, EG, SV, Blops - Miniluv doesn't need the isk) and turn them loose. Your squad may spend the isk however you want in the name of murder. If your squads do particularly well/show me something even more hilarious with the initial 10b isk, I may even grant more to those who have succeeded.

Whichever squad has the most isk damage-done by December 31st will be given another 10b isk as a prize.

If social squads Sigma, Rho and Theta want to actually go to war, they're also welcome to approach me about war-isk. However, if they do not produce skulls for us I'll be cross.

If you're not in a squad, you should probably join one! Peacetime reimbursement covers almost all of the galaxy now (check the wiki), so go kill fools and get paid.

Mordus Angels down, Legion of Death, Circle of Two Up

After Vale was conquered, we announced that Mordus Angels was a useless shitpile, didn't deserve blue standings, and reset them without notice. This is because they never bothered showing up in fleets, and the 'well, they're annoying to have red because they camp our jump bridges' excuse began to look completely retarded. If they actually do camp our bridges, good: they will kill the stupid who do not scout, and the stupid will learn, quit eve, or provide comedy for the rest of us. More likely they will crumple and wither in NPC Pure Blind and become the playthings of Suas and Vee to bat around like barely-twitching field mice my cats seem to love using as improvised hockey pucks.

At the same time, we showered Circle of Two and Legion of Death with love, space, and tech moons. This is because Co2 and XIX actually were useful to the coalition, showed up in fleets with the right ships at the right time (or entire fleets of their own) and didn't cause dumb drama.

The contrast is clear. This coalition is a retributive meritocracy; the only thing that matters for an alliance in the Clusterfuck is showing up in strategic ops with doctrine-appropriate ships. Serve on the line and be rewarded, fail to do so and be flayed - pour encourager les autres.

Membercorp Judgements

It's been a long time since we had enough data to judge our own membercorps, as well. The last few wars were jokes, two-week affairs where our enemies broke before any of us were tested. As you know, membercorps do not pay taxes and yet receive total reimbursement from the fat, cheeto-stained largess of Goonwaffe; membercorps who serve on the front line (fleet participation) are rewarded with 'stakeholder status', namely they get to have a CEO in Illum and have a 'voice' along with the other nerds. Membercorps who fuck up lose their stakeholders; those that continue to fuck up get purged.

I had hoped to purge a membercorp or two at the end of this war, but mostly everyone did well. NED, ETNY, TAPER (Pulsar Inc) and RGSU are standouts, with XVMX (Jack Haydn's crew) doing particularly well in the November phase of the war when many membercorps gave up on the fight and went home.

BAT faceplanted, but that is mostly due to their CEO moving away to work at Riot, handing off the reins to Midge, and spearheading Miniluv and GIA work. We give them a pass on account of this. Widot and Waffe are godawful, the standards by which everyone else is judged, because they are alliance-sized corps and not expected to display competence.

Corps that seem to be 'in trouble': Amok, Merchi, MAS-B, and Sundering. In Amok's case this might be because of hundreds of 'mysterious alts' clogging their ranks, because in absolute rather than relative participation they're towards the top. MAS-B seems to be in the midst of a collapse, Merchi is on a downswing, and Sundering is the best of this lot - but could use some improvement. In general, as an organization, if you're approaching Waffe or Widot participation levels, you're in shit.

Kismeteer and Hfo Df are encouraged to go hog wild posting stats and such for everyone to analyze and/or argue about. If you spend too much time arguing about how stats shouldn't apply to your corp instead of fixing your corps shit, I might arbitrarily purge you!

We're working on a new api-based stats system to try to figure out exactly how many soldiers we have in each corp, how many are alts, and how many are wastes of space. So until that is rolled out we're not going to do any purging, we're just announcing who needs to fix their shit - it's possibly that every Amokdotte person who shows up in fleet has 15 alts and that they shouldn't be in trouble, but we won't know that until the apis are run.

Rokhs and Retribution

Many of you have been wondering what we're doing, training-wise, for Retribution. The confusion seems fever-pitched because nothing in particular seems to be happening! That's because there's no major change.

Train for Rokhs. We are increasingly replacing Maels with Rokhs, or using a balance of both in one Alphafleet. Voila. We're not actually removing Maels as they're great ships, we just want people to train Large Hybrid 5 and Caldari BS.

Tengufleet is likely to be shelved, we'll be continuing to use Drakefleets because despite nerfs there's nothing better (yet), and we'll continue using Tornados/Nagas as t3 snipers.

We might have some hilarious 't1 doctrines' with the new T1 cruiser changes/logi frigs, but those won't be official doctrines until Vee/Laz/Boat come down from FC Mountain with new carved tablets for us to ooh and ahh over.

Goonswarm Federation CEO, Space Tyrant. Likes yoga, Alaskan Malamutes, bacon, and delegation.