ALOD: A Tale of Fortune and Idiocy

A month ago, I joked about improving from losing Drakes in Highsec, to losing ratting Tengus in Deklein, to losing ratting Carriers to solo bombers. I meant that as a joke. While a gang of bombers can be absolutely deadly to a carrier, a solo bomber is a gnat facing an extremely annoyed elephant. After all, Carriers have hundreds of thousands of EHP, extreme repair abilities, sentry drones that can pop bombers like balloons, and heavy neuts to cap out tacklers in a single cycle. The Carrier pilot would have to be an imbecile of mythical proportions to not use one of the dozens of countermeasures carriers are equipped with to escape from a lone bomber.

So by this point most of you can guess what this ALOD is about.


Jim Harder of Nulli Secunda bagged this carrier kill during his hour of activity while AFK camping the system. While a solo kill on a carrier is impressive enough, there is much more to the story than can be gleamed from the killboards.

A tale of fortune …

(Editor's note: what follows is fictitious.) 

Judging by the fit, with omnidirectional tracking links, drone control units, and drone damage amplifiers, one might assume the carrier was lost while ratting. That is only partly correct; this carrier was chasing a much more elusive prize.

Officer spawns are the proverbial pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Every so often, a gate or belt will spawn an officer (for Guristas, an example would be Kaikka Peunato) instead of standard rats. Officer spawns are the source of office mods, the best and most expensive modules in EVE. In terrible MMOs, officer rats would drop the equivalent of “phat epic loot”, obtained from dungeon bosses and such. Like Dungeon Bosses, officer rats can pack a mean punch, and have caused the deaths of many a curious ratting Drake.

So imagine Jim Harder’s surprise when he warped to the gate to find Draclira Merlonne chilling on a gate with several of her Dark Blood buddies. But Jim was not hunting officer rats, he was hunting the hunters. Soon enough, Jesse Draco cyno’d into the system and made ready to attack the officer spawn.

… and Idiocy …

Things started going wrong for Jesse Draco from the moment his carrier landed on grid. See, Jesse had warped his carrier to zero on the gate, something every cap pilot should know not to do. Warping to a gate at zero causes the bulk of the capital to clip into the gate. Since the Pauli Exclusion Principle states that no two objects may occupy the same space, Jesse’s Chimera rocketed away at ludicrous speed, preventing any kind of alignment. However, fighters still hit the field, and started chewing through Draclira’s armor, dropping the officer in short order. However, Jesse was in no condition to loot the wreck, having been bumped 40+ KM away by his warp to zero. I think we all know what happened next.

Jim Harder > Draclira's Modified Heat Sink ,  Draclira's Modified Heavy Energy Neutralizer
Jim Harder > 4+2+0=420
Jim Harder > blaze it faggot
Jim Harder > Cheers br0 o7o7o7o7o7o7

 … and more Idiocy

At this point, things were looking pretty grim for Jesse Draco; his officer loot had just been scooped by an enemy, and there was a chance that bombers were coming to kill him. But he could not warp out as he was still speeding along from being bumped away from the gate, and neuting from Draclira and co. (oh, officer and factions rats often carry nasty ewar effects) had put him below jump cap. Despondent, Jesse fell upon the proven and trusted "logoffski" maneuver, perhaps not knowing that being bumped prevents E-warps, giving Jim Harder plenty of time to burn in range and put a point on the carrier.

At the time, Jim had been hunting carriers for a while in Period Basis, and was about to pick up the batphone to order some pepperoni xXPIZZAXx when he noticed his torps were hitting for full damage, and that Jesse Draco had left local. Realizing this opportunity, Jim Harder seized the chance, and the rest as they say, is history.

Congratulations to Jim Harder for this fantastic killmail and story, he has promised to read any fanmail from atop the modest pile of isk made from the officer mods.

Here is the original conversation:

From : Jim Harder

I have been cloaky camping MVUO for a couple of days as I have been afk for a couple of days and thought I would annoy Tribe by not letting them rat in their best system.

I came back today and saw that there was a Draclira on the gate so thought I would wait for someone to come kill it and try and ninja loot.

After about five minutes after waiting Jesse came in and warped off to a pos. And came rushing back to the gate in his Chimera to come kill Draclira, He warped to 0 like a bauss and goes bouncing off the gate. Then he drops fighters and kills her.
I uncloak burn in and grab the loot, was a pretty good drop a heavy neut and heatsink. (Will be donating to the Cas Mania Bhaalgorn fund expect an ALOD on that soon) I then proceeded to LOLOL in local and linking it.

I then pointed him as he was neuted out by Draclira so thought he can't tackle me and I'll hold him here till he drives me off to aggravate the situation and he just logged off, either he thought that I would just let him go after not having enough dps to kill him, but his hardeners where off so I kept him tackled and shot at him to keep him agro'd (I wasn't sure how the mechanism worked) and was about to see if pizza wanted an easy carrier kill and I noticed that he was going down faster than I expected. Took just over half an hour but I killed him. Luckily for me Tribe was on a strat op so didnt have anyone going thought the gate.

Also fortunately I still had a JC on my hauling alt in z-m when s2n owned PB so JC him down and grabbed what I could off the loot.

Pretty dumb story pretty amused by it all. I am also disappointed that Cas didn't get another ALOD with his 2nd Rattlesnake on the evening of the last ALOD.

Author's Update

ALODs are somewhat finicky. While stupidity is timeless, the best time to admire a loss is generally soon after the kill. While the aggressor in an ALOD is usually exploding with excitement to tell his story, the victim is often less enthusiastic. Often, only the killer can be contacted for an article, and I have written previous ALODs with only the aggressor's point of view.

This time was no different. Jesse Draco could not be reached during the writing period, and I wrote the article on the testimony of Jim Harder alone. This turned out to be a grievous mistake, as everything that Jim Harder told me was a lie.

After interviews with 2 of the Tribe CEOs - Boagrius Firoz and Rameron Raveth - on what actually happened, it was revealed that the truth is much less dramatic than what Jim Harder communicated, which apparently was the result of an hour-long brainstorming session in corp chat about how to make the most outlandish story of a solo carrier loss.

What really happened is that Jesse Draco was in his carrier in MVUO-F when a strategic op was called. As the system had no outpost, he parked his carrier in a corp POS and left in the pod to attend the stratop. When he returned, he found his carrier dead. There were no fail-warps to gates, no officer spawns, and no logoffskis.

Tribe is unclear what happened to cause the carrier to leave POS shield and become vulnerable to attack. One possibility considered by Tribe is that the carrier was improperly parked, and the bomber landing on grid caused a grid reset, causing the carrier to be bumped out by modules. The other possibility is that the carrier was bumped out by a corpmate, but Tribe API does not show anyone in system. GMs are being contacted to find out exactly what happened.

Perpetually broke pilot of Goonswarm. Will shill for isk.