Traffic Control: The Update Dance

Avatar
Did you ever try a jk rowling, and see how people react to your posts if they don't know its u?
Avatar
God, I really shouldn't love this piece but I do. Hate fuck later mittens?
Avatar
Mittens is awesome, as per usual. I miss being in the CFC.
Avatar
That was pretty meta. You can just write about something, not write about writing about it.I did like Sins of a Solar Spymaster, the eve-born vs forum-born observation was great.
Avatar
You gotta have a lot of passion for the game to do what you do. You sure has hell have a lot of influence on a lot of people. I look forward to hearing about your views on the game, as long as you don't try to cater to your enemies but the general population of eve-online in your ideas, fine by me :)
Avatar
There are twenty two occurrences of " I " in that article, averaging approximately two per paragraph.This ratio is rather low compared to your usual efforts, you're slacking.(I liked it really)
Avatar
Biggest regret was BL taking a CFC merc contract. With The Retirement Club, BL should have hit every meaningful asset up North. Diplomacy sucks.
Avatar
ah...Syndicate....The Four Horsemen watching a bunch of crazy frigate drivers going bananas. Those were the days. In hindsight, always so much better than foresight for reasons of well the veil of time, we should have stayed out of Big Blue and just enjoyed ourselves there. Nice ed piece, I've enjoyed the Sins and look forward to more. And I'm not even playing anymore. Go figure.....
Avatar
Looking fwd to your newbie retention rant, because what CCP revealed during this years Fanfest to improve on this issue was underwhelming, to put it mildly.Elite: Dangerous & Co taking an unhealthy bite out of the future Eve player base is definitely not an impossible scenario imo.
Avatar
Valkyrie.
Avatar
This, so much this.
Avatar
When did N3/Pl become as big as CFC?
Avatar
What a ridiculous question. You're welcome to make graphs if you like, but the numbers you can go and look up right now.Or, you know, you could ignore facts and cry in the comments section like a deluded manbaby.
Avatar
So you're saying you're an rper here, but in the update you use rping as an insult to you're enemies. This article or whatever it is seems like some philosophical attempt at getting people to forget your high level of sperg, but comes off as more self aggrandizing bullshit
Avatar
Show me! show me! Graph porn mhmmmmm <33
Avatar
It's got to be meta for the launch piece, after that I'll just run my mouth.
Avatar
401k was just getting in the way of BL's moons, they were garbage tier. A great white hope for the ignorant and unknowing, perhaps.
Avatar
Tldr "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore"
Avatar
Avatar
I'm trying to work out how the parliament of monkeys relates to the article.
Avatar
your*
Avatar
Oi! I like being a dirt farmer in Syndicate! Grr goons...or something. Entertaining article and it's nice to hear the "real" Mittens again.
Avatar
Leader speaks and the backbenchers screech.
Avatar
Hint: "leader" is just another monkey~
Avatar
Wait... So you're going meta to present meta? Meta of the meta? Meta level limbo?Well i guess it's just an assumption that everything you do has some meta properties...
Avatar
It's a reference to the mightiest CFC alliance, SMA!!
Avatar
Go ONE article without using tildes. I dare you.
Avatar
to the victor go the spoils
Avatar
The CFC doesn't miss you.
Avatar
nah~
Avatar
<3
Avatar
Metaception?
Avatar
Valkyrie looks awesome as a round by round space shooter with an EVE tie in. Elite: Dangerous has an alarming level of competence relative to its main competitor (Star Citizen) and ticks the exploration, industry and (maybe) the PVP boxes. If they allow the true competitiveness and sandboxy nature of EVE, I think EVE would be in real trouble.
Avatar
I'm in Space Violence. I get to be in Goon war machine AND a Syndicate dirt farmer. Plus I get to shoot the nazis of Evoke. Its awesome.
Avatar
Ablooblooblooblooblooand so forth
Avatar
"It's truly laughable that someone trying to take your space-toys away from you feels that you owe them, as the victim of their aggression, anything other than spit in their eye or a knife at their throat. It's stupid; if you disagree, you're not only wrong, but probably also deluded."Interesting, that is the exact same excuse used by every high sec bear who has ever been ganked. The general advice given to them that nothing in Eve is real and is all pixels, and that loss of pixels is nothing to get upset about, and they should "just be chill". Since sovereign space is also made of nothing but pixels, why does the same not apply?
Avatar
Halloween War really fought over tilde supply! Mittens admits "Can't get enough of those sweet, sweet tildes"News at eight!
Avatar
I always got the impression that your CEO updates were 10% actual information, and 90% about trolling the rest of Eve for the entertainment of your coalition.Don't take that as a criticism. You've entertained me, too.
Avatar
This is your short form of article?
Avatar
Just wait till he really gets going...
Avatar
Honestly, when it comes to /r/eve with anything cfc, you might as well be speaking to a toddler.Don't take the shitposters too seriously, most of them, like Marlona Sky, are shit anyway.
Avatar
So you think both highsec players and people in wars should just sit back and watch their shit get blown up because they're both "made of pixels." Instead of, I don't know, playing the game. Which has literally nothing to do with anything and is retarded. Good contribution. Are you even literate?
Avatar
Good to hear you'll be writing more, you were always one of the better writers on this site.
Avatar
I for one would enjoy more mittens articles. Live for the meta, die for the meta.VFK by 2016, mark my words.
Avatar
tl;drdon't care
Avatar
They do. All the goddamn time. It's beautiful.
Avatar
I don't think many people who call CFC/GSF BoB actually think you should just disband. It's just so damn hilarious to read you ranting something about BoB when you are effectively for current players about what BoB was for players that time.
Avatar
Looking forward to both the noob retention ideas, and (hopefully) what you'd do to fix null.
Avatar
Merely comparing and contrasting. A bear who refuses to pvp is often told he will have much more fun playing if he just accepts the possibility of loss of his ship pixels, so why shouldn't this scale and say, an entire group of people enjoy playing their game more if they were willing to risk the loss of the sovereign space pixels. It is not a case of obligation, but simply pointing out that risk aversion, while being the optimal play, merely cheats *oneself* out of fun, and leads to stagnation. If you should end up in syndicate or FW then well, soooo blooooody whaaat, just dust off and pick yourself up again and carry on. It's not like it hasn't been done before.
Avatar
"So: enjoy Traffic Control! Or don't, and get really goddamned mad about it, whatever!"MAKING IT AWFUL HARD FOR WE GRRGOONERS HERE CAN'T JUST TAKE THE OPPOSING VIEWPOINT ANYMORE IM NOT SURE I KNOW HOW TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICES.
Avatar
Valkyrie does not a modern, hands-on introduction to EvE make.Edit: Though that would be awfully damn cool. Pared-down overview, only a module or two, much simpler fitting....could serve as a stepping stone to EvE's more complex UI. Flying no, but perhaps a good technical starting point.Probably not what the project owner has in mind.
Avatar
without a hyphen in "twenty-two," the eye skips over "twenty" and the reader is left wondering how two "i"s could average two per paragraph
Avatar
Tl;dr "I'm chill as cheese and I'm just going to keep 'on trucking."
Avatar
Challenge: Someone define "Meta" in a way that makes all this nonsense make sense.A plex if you can blow people's minds.
Avatar
Holy shit, your EN24 posts and Gevlon Goblin appreciation :negative:
Avatar
mrMittani, stop dicking around, start this war, make the others tango, you are pretty enoughSigned,The Entitled
Avatar
Maybe you shouldn't've ragequit, then.
Avatar
I'll be looking forward to your piece about newbie retention, because if Goons know how to do anything right, it's retain newbies.
Avatar
I always loved how people would hand wave any of the older pieces The Mittani wrote on strategy in EVE, with stupid reasons like "he's just trolling" or "that's what he wants us to think".Seriously? This guy has been the head of an extremely (by virtually any measure) successful alliance now for a very long time. While other alliances failscade, become something new, and die again, GSF endures.
Avatar
We are the all singing all dancing monkeys of the world.By some accounts, Roman generals at a victory triumph would be accompanied by a servant that would advise them "Respice post te! Hominem te esse memento! Memento mori!". Some of EVE's high profile leaders do a better job of taking the sentiment to heart than others.
Avatar
There's always an element of fork-in-your-eye trolling, yeah. The sentiment behind that is genuine, though~
Avatar
CCP management
Avatar
hahahaha you read redditlol
Avatar
The title should probably read "Traffic Control: Come At Us, Bro"
Avatar
I stopped being able to read Gevlon articles all the way through last winter, so my hat is off for your iron stomach o7
Avatar
More tildes for the tilde throne
Avatar
...you're either the best satirist I've read in a long time, or a complete and utter moron.
Avatar
well played.
Avatar
We would probably run your piece as a guest submission if you do decide you want to publish it. After all, the past has shown that CCP does eventually listen once you get the press involved.
Avatar
He Reads Gevlon Goblin So You Don't Have To
Avatar
The problem is if you strip down eve to make it simpler and more accessible then its just a terrible terrible game (even more terrible than it is anyway). The two things that make anyone play it are the complexity and the commitment to the sandbox
Avatar
"Don't play EVE."
Avatar
What do you mean? Gevlon has the funniest commedy blog in EVE bar none.
Avatar
Don't sweat it. It's hard to be upset at a person but easy to shake a pitch fork at a corporation / entity.Also archeAge goes beta on the 17th so new sandbox for some of us
Avatar
I'm pretty sure that "We're disbanding Goonswarm and admitting total defeat" would also cause a bit of freaking out.
Avatar
Its hard to fathom why you would stifle your writing for others when the others were coming to read for you style. Sites articles are always great if dry lately. Look forward to more. Run with it!
Avatar
The sad thing is this: EVE needs more Mittanis. People who understand and play on that level. We always see people, in other endeavours, going off about how bad this or that guy is, but they couldn't do what this or that guy does because they just don't understand it at that level. It's like playing chess against Garry Kasparov: you both have the same board to play on, you just don't see what he sees, even though it's all there, staring you in the face..The Mittani is, in the true sense of the word, a grand master. EVE will only ever really come alive when he finds his match. -That- is going to be a day to rejoice.
Avatar
Go back to the echo chamber from whence you came.
Avatar
Speaking as someone who spends a fair amount of times grrrrrr goonsing, I find the trolling rather enjoyable (don't tell people that I just join in the reddit circlejerk for imaginary internet points), but I'm really happy to have you writing again. As much as I hate your coalition and how you guys play the game, eve and the community will be a much less interesting place with out you guys, and a better place for you writing blogs again,
Avatar
Made me laugh.
Avatar
Meta is the coin an audience pays to an orator for exposing its idiocy.
Avatar
"War in Eve is brutal to the delusional; if you don't have a relentless adherence to the ground game, you get steamrolled."Since I fly with CFC, this applied to so many Eve entities that it puts a smile on my face.
Avatar
Shai.Hulud.SHAI.HULUD.
Avatar
Exactly. If dumbing EvE down isn't an option, make Valkyrie a stepping stone.
Avatar
Ho man, there's a name you don't hear much criticism against -- even from reds.What's the beef with Marlona?
Avatar
watching the decline of whitevan was my favourite thing during the TEST war
Avatar
Only really talk about eve with one of my mates and he plays wow sadly. But if i was trying to sell eve to someone i would talk about all the 15-30 man roams in between the 1k fleet fights and how much fun they are. Every mmo has grinding and il rather grind with other people having jokes on comms then the way most other games have grinding.
Avatar
Doing double-takes on 9-VO0Q's station name was my favorite thing during the TEST war.
Avatar
The Mittan's name is a killing word.
Avatar
OMG your disbanding Goonswarm and admitting total defeat???
Avatar
Wow so you actually are mad at redditlol
Avatar
That would be great if you'd have me, i'd be flattered. there's actually a large project i'll put past alex, and leave it exclusive to TMC if it's posted. anyway, I finished my essay and put it on a new wordpress, just in case the writing is bad... i can't tell. http://goo.gl/8bim6C
Avatar
I was in White Van during that war. The number of early mistakes the CFC made in not IHUBing captured systems, or letting me follow folks SBUing... After week three I gave up, my reports and scouting went nowhere... asked for jobs, got none.
Avatar
Just nice to see you writing again without trying to be diplomatic. Really used to enjoy your SOSS column and after TMC launched I never checked back to it so not even sure if you carried on. Looking forward to more like this.
Avatar
He fc-ed in fountain and in the eastern war.
Avatar
Sounds like a Seinfeld episode. Win.
Avatar
Identifying "Confirmation Bias" could be an article in its own right.If a high sec corp leadership surrounds itself with yes people, it doesn't mean things will get done. If things get done but not accounted for, someone will be putting ISK in to the corporation wallet on a regular/semi-regular basis. Is that fair? Will it be a long term situation? If there's someone better - more experienced, more time rich than the incumbent should they be replaced? If so how? Gradual transition or sudden sharp change?If corporation projects can't turn a profit, will the corporation be able to afford it through other means? Does it enrich the corp members Eve Experience? Should corp decisions/projects be done on a financial spreadsheet cold and hard basis like a real company would?"We're doing it right, we're having fun, damn the cost" - "Oh I don't want to rat tonight, I don't want to mine, I can't be arsed to fuel the pos's tonight." etc.Wow sorry for the ramble.
Avatar
I like my corpies how I like my eggs: Poached
Avatar
There may be no I in Team, but there is a U in cunt
Avatar
YES! I have been missing the SOSS blog, it was always a very good read. Three huzzahs for Mittens! :)
Avatar
Said it before will say it again, I personally don't like the CFC more specifically I don't particularly like goonswarm but they are not the lazy bloated on success donuts the haters call them and as a matter of fact they could be and it wouldn't bother me goons started as the EvE underdog worked hard and now y'all can't beat them you cry they are unbeatable....Well fuck me but when goons started people said the same thing about BoB and that didn't end very well now did it (unless you happen to be a goon) The right to a celebration of success is well deserved...Now the freeloader shit at life section of the CFC that claims they are awesome cause they are part of the CFC and love to use the CFC's success to prove why their alliance is better than the enemy's (you all know the ones) now they do annoy the crap outta me
Avatar
my writing is very bad. I'm in a Engl Comp II class (Critical Thinking and Writing) and I've taken up essay writing as a commitment to improve my essay skills... but I would probably need help to produce something more than what I have so far. Do you work with your writers in this way? I have a few Essays I'm working on, out of personal interest: one long piece on "Is Multiboxing OP" and another on "Legality of Miner Griefing." would you be interested in seeing them when I've finished polishing them up?

One of the problems with "TheMittani.com" right now is the lack of very much actual Mittani found on the front page beyond the logo. Before launching TMC I regularly wrote for TenTonHammer, but as I took on more duties as both the leader of Goonswarm and the founder of this site, I found myself swamped. Writing used to be a regular personal outlet for me, and I've found that I increasingly regret not writing as much as I used to. And when I do write on TMC, it tends to be 'copy', rather than mouthing off, soapboxing, or bloviating - my personal voice is drowned by the ~need~ to be neutral in a constipated, handcuffed way. 

That's done now.

One of the perks of having a website with your name on it is that you can do whatever the hell you want, and write on whatever topic you please. While I intend to eventually get back into feature-length 1200+ word columns in the Sins of a Solar Spymaster style, "Traffic Control" is going to be a much more casual place where I go off on whatever strikes my fancy. Think of it as my personal, informal platform; SOSS will remain for features I write in a more classical style.   

Today we're going to make fun of the CEO Update process. At this point, every bloc leader in Eve Online: A Stagnating Game has to come up with something to say once a month or two. Most of these updates end up here on TMC, if they cross the threshold of relevance. Increasingly, regardless of alliance, they don't beat that threshold, as they amount to "Well, we're deploying here, uh, yeah." There's not been an announcement of a grand war since the RUS vs N3 Ostfront throwdown, and that began on Halloween, 2013. (Yes, yes, it's all B0TLRD's fault, abloobloobloo.) 

I found myself writing a fairly matter-of-fact update just the other day, absolutely tame by my ranting standards. The CFC is going to Delve to stomp on the faces of the various enemies who've glommed together there; those enemies are hypocrites for whining about our space-tribe daring to defend itself, and we're going to shoot them until their space-spirits are crushed and they fuck off. Despite this being a rather mundane statement of intent, this produced no less than four angry reaction threads on r/Eve.

Now, to be fair, r/Eve is both an echo chamber and home to a group of people who the CFC messily space-murdered during the Fountain War. This isn't ~neutral ground~, especially after the Kugu forums took an activity hit and most of that crowd moved there. But at this point I think I could post an update that announces in a stentorian tone that the sky is blue and people would flip their lids insisting that it's all lies, spin, and propaganda. Viz: "Maybe mittens will shock us all with a SotA that is not full of lies and spin. How thousands upon thousands of players lap that stuff up is beyond me."

Hard truth: I pretty much believe all of my bullshit when I write a CEO Update. I think it's ludicrous and roll my eyes whenever some twit goes "Goons are the new BoB because you happen to have won the Great War and aren't starving dirt farmers in Syndicate" because they resent our success and tendency to win wars against the same crowd who's smashed themselves against us since 2006. I do think that our ingame enemies are intensely hypocritical when they complain about us having 'too many blues' when those enemies are part of a bloc of equal size to ours - or has more space than us in raw systems for that matter - or complain about the CFC ensuring that fighting a war against us is an exercise in utter misery. It's truly laughable that someone trying to take your space-toys away from you feels that you owe them, as the victim of their aggression, anything other than spit in their eye or a knife at their throat. It's stupid; if you disagree, you're not only wrong, but probably also deluded. 

The whole thing is ridiculous. Anything less than 'We're disbanding Goonswarm and admitting total defeat' in a CEO Update will make a large population of Eve players freak the hell out, so there's not much of an incentive to change our ways or soften our edges. Why shouldn't we be the boogeymen we are? Why accommodate the screeching of our foes, if nothing can satisfy them? The fact is, if your space-tribe wins too many wars, you end up with a bunch of bitter, resentful enemies sulking at you whenever you dare enjoy your hard-earned success. 

At one point I worried that I was giving away too much information about how I thought about the game by writing columns; that exposing details about how our organizations worked, or how we broke down and analyzed mistakes or past wars would come back to bite us in the ass. The reality is that people are too busy parroting memes in their favorite echo chamber to even notice when we highlight one of our many weaknesses, because it's easier and more comforting to wallow in confirmation bias than address reality as it exists.

That's one of the biggest reasons why I never penned a Fountain War roundup - if I ever wrote about the conflict between the CFC and TEST/N3/PL and identified how our enemies had lost track of what was actually happening on the ground in the rush to upvote one another and feel good about what was going on, they might catch on and alter their strategies to become reality-based and start to succeed. War in Eve is brutal to the delusional; if you don't have a relentless adherence to the ground game, you get steamrolled. Clinging to mistakes or bad policy results in rapid loss under hostile pressure; this is why the CFC tends to wildly adjust tactics at the start of a war, like a drunk veering into walls as he staggers down an alleyway, because we aggressively try to abandon stuff that's not working when we accept it's a cock-up.  

The point is, judging by the reactions to my most recent Update, there's absolutely no reason for me to not go back to happily blabbing about Eve Online (or whatever else) in my own voice and (horrors) starting a bloggy... thing. There is no astute, wily foe waiting to catch us unwary, no risk of being too honest in a way that could harm my space-tribe, just an awful lot of echo chamber bullshit and the same sad justifications for why our foes have repeatedly failed to accomplish their goals against us. 

So: enjoy Traffic Control! Or don't, and get really goddamned mad about it, whatever! Tomorrow I'll be ranting about newbie retention and how ridiculous Eve's worst-in-class situation there is.